A Stepmother on Mother’s Day - Managing your expectations

Regardless of Covid-19 restrictions, for many stepmothers, Mother’s Day 2020 in Australia on May 10 (always the second Sunday in May) will be like every other Mother’s Day.

It is a lovely day, but it can also be a tortuous one, much like juggling the obligations and expectations of a Christmas Day.

Some people have their mothers, but some don’t.  Some are mothers already, some are mothers-to-be. Some have recently buried their mothers and during Covid-19 not been able to say goodbye as they would have liked.

The day stirs up so many emotions within so many people and when you are a stepmother those jumbled up emotions often conflict with the nostalgic view of the day.

It can be even trickier if you do not have your own children.

My BIGGEST tip for all stepmothers: Just because your stepchild or stepchildren are celebrating their mum, doesn’t mean they don’t love or like you.

I’m going to repeat this as it’s crucial to help you manage your expectations for this coming weekend.

My BIGGEST tip for all stepmothers: Just because your stepchild or stepchildren are celebrating their mum, doesn’t mean they don’t love or like you.

This year in particular, Covid-19 has highlighted the frailty of emotions as people are now alone with their thoughts a lot more and there is currently no easy escape path to do what you normally might do if you are feeling down.

Mother’s Day paraphernalia will be flooding social media feeds, a myriad of Mum movies will be shown on TV, magnifying an idyllic way of celebrating that perhaps does not acknowledge everyone’s reality.

I have been a stepmother for 15 years and being able to manage your expectations is such an important key to not feeling crushed if you are one who is not acknowledged.

You might have one stepchild acknowledge you, whereas another doesn’t. Sometimes that can stir up even more emotional turmoil within you that you realise.

At the end of the day it is “Mother’s Day” and while society labels you a stepmother, you are not the mother of your stepchildren.

Even if a stepmother is a mother herself, their whole day often subconsciously hinges on whether their stepchildren ring, text or send them a card.

Instead of living in the moment with their own children, who are indeed now the siblings of their stepchildren, they get tied up in knots as to “will they, won’t they contact me”.

It does not matter how good the relationship is that you have with your stepchildren, nine times out of 10, they do have a mother.

Some stepchildren may text you early in the morning or very late at night, if they have been spending the day with their mother

They are not silly and would possibly consider ringing or texting you whilst they are with their own mother as very awkward and uncomfortable.

You may call your stepchildren your sons or daughters and there is nothing wrong with that at all, they may not mind you doing this but calling them that does not mean they see you as ‘Mother’.

This has nothing to do with any love you have for them and vice versa, it is about realising that Mother’s Day is actually for mothers.

You may feel like you are their second mother and should be acknowledged alongside their own mother but that is your expectation.

If your stepchildren do contact you on the day, send or make something for you, that is absolutely lovely.

But if they don’t, it shouldn’t send you into a downward spiral for the rest of the day or the week which it does for so many stepmums.

There are so many emotional and practical factors at play which are often forgotten by the stepmother herself.

One of them is that stepchildren themselves endure many conflicting messages from different sources.

They know what their stepmother does for them but there is an innate loyalty to their own mother, no matter what she may be like or what you as a stepmother think she is like.

Although stepchildren do acknowledge what you do for them, they still feel conflicted by loyalty. So sometimes ignoring things such as contacting you on the actual day is just easier for them.

That is why a stepmother has to manage her own expectations.

Whether a stepchild is 5, 25 or 55 years old, they are an individual and often do not have the reference points that you do due to their lack of similar life experience.

Covid-19 has given a lot of people time to reflect on what they do, how they do it and what they want in the future in terms of relationships.

Perhaps family hostilities are being repaired, perhaps distance is giving everyone time to really work out what is important.

In an ideal world, every stepparent, parent or guardian would be acknowledged for what they do in the upbringing of any child.

But we do not live in an ideal world.

Treat others how you would like to be treated but realise that not everyone may think the same way you might.

ENDS